The Musings of a Giant Idiot

I was 5 years old when I had my first run in with a cop. It was 1982 in South Bend, IN and the story of how I had the run in with Johnny Law has taken on mythical proportions in the Oakman family.

We settled in South Bend in 1979, I was 2 and we had just moved from Washington, DC. In July of 1980 my brother was born. I have been told I was pretty excited to have a younger brother and my Grandma says the first thing I said when he was born was “I guess I’ll have to share my toys now.” With a 3 year old, a newborn and a 9 month old golden retriever puppy my parents had their hands full.

I am sure my parents had a routine but I was to busy playing with my best friend, Marty, from across the street. We did everything together, if he was not at our house, I was at his house. So it was no surprise when I got in the most trouble of my young life that Marty was right there with me.

Our next door neighbors had iron work on their porch that made for easy access to the roof. I remember talking to them one night about climbing up to get on their roof. They of course laughed it off as the imagination of a 5 year old but I was dead serious. One day the opportunity presented itself and Marty and I took advantage of our good fortune.

My recollection of the day was that is was blustery so it was either the Spring or Fall. The neighbors (I think Bell was their last name) were going to be gone all day. My Mom was busy taking care of my brother and I think my Dad was out of town. This being 1982, when kids could wander the streets without fear of being kidnapped Marty and I were running around. That is when I had the brilliant idea of getting on the Bell’s roof. We climbed the iron work and in a matter of seconds we were on top of the world. We started running around just looking at our neighborhood from our perch. The mailman came by and asked what we were doing on the roof, I told him we were roof repairers. I think he laughed and then went on to deliver the rest of his mail. Then the lady across the street yelled at us to get down from there and I told her the same thing I told the mailmen, we were roof repairers. What seemed like hours of fun but was really only 15 minutes ended when a cop showed up.

Marty and I scurried down the roof the same way we came up. The cop told us to go home and that was it. Of course it was not. Later that night while watching “The Greatest American Hero” the Bells came by our house and told my Mom what happened. Of course she was furious that we would do something that could have had the potential to really hurt us. I remember being grounded for the next few days and my roof climbing days were put on hold for a few years.

As the years have passed the “Roof Repairer” story as it is now known has become legendary in my family. Whenever it is brought up it gets a good laugh. I have also used it a number of times during the writing portions of standardized tests.

Spent a total of one day in New York City and now I am itching to get back. I will have much more to say about NYC but this is just a teaser.

Two blocks from our hotel there was a movie shoot and not just any movie. A Denzel Washington movie called The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. Although we did not see Denzel or the other stars of the movie, John Travolta and Tony Soprano it was cool that right there a movie was being shot. Two blocks later no sign of any major movie production. I know they film in New York all the time but to have one with a star like Denzel being filmed right down the street, well that is pretty awesome.

I will have plenty of upcoming stories about New York that involve cameras, cabbies, street vendors, and midgets.

Hoosiers is the best sports movie ever. Of course it has the Hollywood ending but the journey to the final game is what makes this movie so great. Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper carry this movie and both actors are on the top of their games. This is the speech that Hackman gives right before the State Championship game. I always get a chill when they huddle up and Hackman tells the guys how he feels about them.

Every Wednesday for the past 4 years our black lab Charlie

goes to Pup Scouts a day camp for dogs. Because he is always cooped up in the house it is a great way to split up his week. When Wednesday rolls around he knows that he is going somewhere, so he starts following my wife and I around while we get ready for work. Every other day of the week he sleeps on our bed and only gets up when we leave because he knows he is getting a treat.

On the ride over he will lay down in the back seat but once we hit the exit for his favorite place he starts paying attention to everything like I am going to forget how to get there. He gets so excited to get inside and play that it is a pain for him to wait the one second it takes to put on his leash. An employee will get him and take him to the back and for the next 9 hours he plays his heart out. When I pick him up he is all smiles until he has to find the energy to get in the car. I usually have to pick him up to put him in the back seat. Before I am out of the parking lot he is asleep and only wakes up when we get home so he can eat and after dinner he goes back to sleep. It is no surprise that my wife and I have our date night on Wednesday.

One more great thing about Pup Scouts is the weekend sleepovers they have during the holidays. For Memorial Day my wife and I went to Connecticut to visit my Dad. Instead of putting him in a kennel at the vet’s office we signed him up for the sleepover and he got to spend 5 days there. When we picked him up on Tuesday he was spent and will need a couple of days to rest.

Since I am late posting on Memorial Day I am going to make it short. When I was growing up Memorial Day was just another day off from school. In college it was an excuse to cook out and drink all day. But the minute I put on the Army uniform the holiday changed for me. I was now wearing the uniform that my Dad and Grandfathers had worn. I had heard my Dad’s stories about Vietnam and the friends he lost. I was fortunate enough to not only come back from Iraq unscathed but all of my close friends did as well. I am one of the lucky ones. Today I want to thank all of the servicemen and women who gave their lives defending our country.

Rocky V, Superman III and IV, Beverly Hills Cop III. All these movies have something in common. Terrible additions to beloved franchises. I for one do not even acknowledge that these four movies were made. After tonight I am adding a fifth entry to the list, the new Indiana Jones movie. Everything in the movie felt forced, the acting, the action scenes, and the CGI. I am not going to give anything away, I would advise people to save their money but if you want to see it because of the character knock yourself out. No seriously take some NyQuil, knock yourself out and thank me later when you saved 9 bucks.

This shot ended the greatest college basketball game ever. For those who saw it in person or on TV they will never forget that moment. Because of one of the worst lapses in judgment ever I was not be able to see this game for almost two years. An extremely crushing blow for a die hard Duke fan.

In the spring of 1992, I got my tonsils taken out. We had scheduled the surgery to occur during spring break so I would not miss any school while recovering. My recovery time was spent on the couch eating ice cream and jello and drinking milk shakes. It was also the second week of the NCAA tournament and Duke was gunning for their 2nd straight title. After cruising in their first two games they beat a tough Seton Hall team in the Sweet 16, setting up the match-up with Kentucky. A kid at my school was as big a Kentucky fan as I was a Duke fan, so if Duke won it would be twice as great.

The game fell on a Saturday, my brother was spending the night at my Grandparents and my parents and I were going to watch the Duke game. It also marked the first day I went out of the house after my surgery. My Mom was going to the mall and she dropped me off at Meijer, a midwest department store chain, for a couple of hours. I browsed the aisles looking at the video games and the music. Then came the lapse of judgement and it was not buying the Wayne’s World soundtrack. I decided that I needed some batteries for my Discman and a Krackel bar, instead of paying for them I just stuck them in the bag with the CD. Why did I do this? Because I was 14, stupid and really wanted a Krackel bar. I walked around the store for another half hour and then went outside to meet my Mom. As I’m walking out the door, two guys come running by me and then suddenly turn around, whip out their professional looking Meijer badges and take me to the back room.

They took me to the back room, asked me to put anything I had not purchased on the table and sit down. They got all the relevant information and asked if anyone was in the store with me. I told them my Mom was waiting outside in a blue Oldsmobile. When they brought her in I knew I was in deep, the look on her face said it all, a mix of anger and embarrassment. After I posted bond we walked back to the car, with me about 5 steps behind her. Before I could even ask my punishment she dropped it on me, no Duke/Kentucky game. For 5 bucks of merchandise I had forfeited my chance of watching the game. I was allowed to listen to the game on the radio so I was happy about that and I was even allowed to eat some cereal in my room something I had never done before. Then again I had never stolen anything before so it was a day of firsts for me.

As for the game I remember yelling at my radio when Kentucky made their run in the 2nd half. When Sean Woods hit his miracle bank shot to give Kentucky the lead in overtime I remember writing Kentucky as the winner on my bracket. Then Laettner made his shot and I am sure the entire neighborhood heard the screams coming from our house. I ran downstairs to “get something to drink” but really wanted to see the shot, not happening. I went back upstairs happy that Duke had won but also sad because I had disappointed my parents.

Duke went on to win the title and my criminal career ended that year. After two years I was able to track down a copy of the game from a friend at work. I watch it every year during March Madness and watching that shot never gets old.

In January of 2003, the 101st was waiting for the orders that would deploy us to Kuwait and from there Iraq. Since 9/11, my friends and I knew that this was going to happen we just did not know when. Now the rumors were starting to leak that the orders were imminent and we should be ready at a moment’s notice. They tell you to be ready at a moment’s notice but in reality it takes weeks to deploy a division as big as the 101st. It was especially tough for me because I had just started dating a girl in September and did not know how a year away would affect our relationship and with deployment imminent I would be spending a lot of time getting equipment and supplies ready. Right before the orders dropped one of the funniest things happened at Ft. Campbell, it snowed.

This was not a typical southern snow were you might get a half inch, this was the snow I would get growing up in Ohio. It stuck to the ground and roads and for drivers in the South this caused all kinds of havoc. On Tuesday we got to morning formation and were told to hang tight in our offices. About an hour later the post was closed and we were told to go home. My friends and I went to the barracks and then decided to act like kids again. We built a nice sized snowman and then had a snowball fight. Good times were had by all and we figured that the post would be open the next day. I got a call from my sergeant and he said that the post was going to be closed on Wednesday as well. Before he hung up the phone I was on my way to Nashville. Driving in the snow was not a problem since I grew up in Ohio.

After hanging out Tuesday and Wednesday with my future wife I headed back to Ft. Campbell and was told that the post was also going to be closed on Thursday because of the snow. This had gotten ridiculous, here is the most powerful military division in the world, the orders for deployment are days away and because of 6 inches of snow the entire base was shut down. I still get cracked up when I think about 6 inches of snow shutting Ft. Campbell down and then 2 months later we are outside Baghdad after pummeling Iraq’s army like Tyson against Spinks.

I posted my 3 favorite scenes from Raiders earlier but with Memorial Day coming up I wanted to post a scene that sums up what being in the service is all about.

In honor of Indiana Jones’s return to the big screen I am posting my favorite scenes from the first three movies. When you think about it comes down to three scenes from Raiders of the Lost Ark. I am saying three scenes because I could post the whole movie and I do not want to do that.

Raiders is an all-timer when you combine Harrison Ford, Steven Spielberg and John Williams’s score you cannot go wrong. I cannot wait to see the latest installment and now for your viewing pleasure.